


Two Selfish Shellfish

by Zoexboey



Category: Moana - Fandom, Spongebob - Fandom
Genre: A blessed crossover, Flight of the Conchords reference, Maui is mentioned - Freeform, Moana - Freeform, Other, Spongebob - Freeform, Tamatoa is a prostitute, rivalries
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-22 21:09:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11975061
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zoexboey/pseuds/Zoexboey
Summary: When two greedy, cannibalistic crabs meet, there are unexpected results





	Two Selfish Shellfish

Life was quiet in Lalotai and Tamatoa was resting in his lair, surrounded by mountains of shiny objects, glittering brightly in the water. He had had a long and tiring day, scavenging the area for anything precious that he could mount onto his shell, or pile up in his cave. Between that and eating, the large decapod decided to get some sleep. 

That was until something decided to disturb him.

"Oh wow, look at all this treasure, I guess it's me lucky day," a voice said, coming from the mouth of the cave. All that he saw was the gigantic pile of shimmering objects in the center, casting patterns along the walls of Tamatoa's lair. The source of the voice scuttled closer to the mound of treasure, not even slightly aware that the trove was actually attached to something far bigger and far meaner than he was...until the ground started to shake, gold coins flying off of the shell as Tamatoa rose from the hole he had dug for himself. 

"And who do you think you are?" Tamatoa seethed, his massive legs moving in tandem as he approached the intruder. "Coming into my cave? Thinking you can have any of my precious treasure?" 

"Finders keepers is what I always say," the intruder responded. "Besides, stealin' is just borrowing without givin' it back," he pointed out. "And since ya asked, the name is Krabs, Eugene Krabs." 

"Look, man, I don't really care what your name is, you came in here to rob me, and Tamatoa is anything but protective over his treasure." 

“Well...Mr. Tomato...

"It's-it's Tamatoa." 

“You see, I smelled it. It was the smelly smell, the smell that smells...smelly...and that smell is treasure and money, two of me favorite things.”

Tamatoa looked at him with some skepticism. This intruder was not like any crab he had ever seen. First of all, when did any crab wear clothes or walk like a person? Sure, he looked like a crustacean, but perhaps it was just a clever disguise to fool Tamatoa into giving up his treasure...well, Tamatoa wasn't stupid, and he didn't care if this Eugene Krabs was an actual crab or not. He wouldn't share with his own kin. Hell, he usually ate his own kind. 

"So maybe you and me are more alike than you think," Mr. Krabs added, noting Tamatoa's silence. Maybe he was starting to get anxious. The larger crab ahead of him was truly intimidating, probably 100 times his size, and Mr. Krabs was never a brave crustacean. He was known for being greedy and cowardly, and if it wasn't for all this treasure he would have been long gone. He couldn't leave now, it was too tempting, seeing all these shiny things in the possession of another drove him to jealousy and envy. There was nothing he wanted more than his own cave full of treasures. 

"I don't think we are alike at all," Tamatoa retorted. "Look at you, so small, so pathetic, you think you have anything on me? Give me a reason why I shouldn't eat you right now," the decapod demanded. "You can't go far on those two little legs, Krabs." 

“Wait, wait, maybe we can come to an agreement here. Maybe, maybe I can get ya some more treasure if ya spare me,” Mr. Krabs said desperately.

"And why would I need your help? I can gather my own things. Everything out there is afraid of me and gives me their stuff without so much as a blink of an eye, they're scared I'm going to eat them. One look at you and you'll not only be laughed off but you'll be dead within seconds. Besides, you don't look like you can carry much, can you?" Tamatoa growled. "Alright, what about this. You go and find me something special, super special in an hour, and I won't come after you and eat you as a little snack. Though, I think I'd burn more calories eating you than you'd actually give me...so maybe I'll just crush you instead. Yeah, man, I'd get running if I were you." 

* * * * *

Eugene Krabs supposed this was a better alternative than death.

Then again, he could take this moment to escape. He could slip out of Lalotai and leave Tamatoa behind, going back to the Krusty Krab, trying to make his fortune while those two idiots of employees kept messing up his efforts. But was that a way to live? No, Mr. Krabs, couldn't go back to that life. Besides, the thought of maybe snagging some of Tamatoa's gold was too much for him to resist. 

It had already been half an hour, and Eugene was wandering the realm of monsters with some hesitation. He did realize how dangerous it was down here, that any moment he could be eaten up by a strange plant or a sloth monster, or whatever else he could think of. That wasn't unlike instances at Bikini Bottom, with the Alaskan Bull Worm, Sea Bears, and...Plankton.

He combed Lalotai in hopes of finding something truly special for Tamatoa, not because Eugene liked the giant decapod, but because he didn't want to die. That seemed like proper motivation. "Get me something truly special, jackass," Krabs mocked, making his way into the ruins of a few ships, all dilapidated and crumbled. "Let's see what we can find here," he said, rummaging through some wooden boxes, finding absolutely nothing until something caught his eye. It was a slight glimmer from under the sand. Now, Mr. Krabs was very adept at spotting things that were shiny, maybe him an expert treasure hunter. He knew chances were that it wouldn't be anything more than a coin, nothing that would spare him from Tamatoa's wrath, but as he brushed the sand away with his claw, he was pleasantly surprised by the result. It was a beautiful, ornate, golden hand mirror. Mr. Krabs blew the dust off of the mirror and looked at his reflection in it. This was perfect. 

"Time's up Krabs, I hope you have found something," a familiar voice called, startling Mr. Krabs, almost making him drop the mirror. "I'm real hungry, man, in the mood for some crab," he said with a chuckle, gripping the broken down ships with his gigantic pincher before tossing it to the side carelessly. "Oh, what's this?" Tamatoa asked, reaching down and yanking the mirror out of Mr. Krab's claw. "A nice, shiny mirror...oh who is this handsome crustacean?" He asked himself as he admired his own reflection, rubbing his barnacled chin with his other claw. "Looking good, Tamatoa," he said, thoroughly distracted before he turned his attention back to Mr. Krabs. 

"I guess that'll do," Tamatoa finally said. "Alright, so I won't eat you, just get out of here," he added, turning to head back to his own cave. "Now wait a second, matey, ya made me search all over this place for ya and I don't get anything in return? Now that ain't fair," Mr. Krabs pointed out, watching as the giant crab's eyestalks moved towards his direction. 

"I gave you your life, I'd say that's generous enough," Tamatoa said. "I'm not giving you any of my gold if that's what you were hoping for. I don't do charity, man." 

“I ain't leavin' until you give me something good,” Mr. Krabs retorted, earning a deep scowl from the other decapod.

“Fine, fine, as long as you go away,” he grumbled, scuttling away towards his den, not even waiting for Mr. Krabs to catch up. Well, he was right about one thing, Krabs was far slower than he was. He was a very impatient thing and didn't like waiting around for anything or anyone. Mr. Krabs was sincerely lucky that he had as much time as he did. Tamatoa supposed that wasn't fair but he didn't care, he was greedy, selfish, and egotistical, he didn't consider anyone's feelings, really.

"Hey, I got something for you," a voice suddenly piped up, drawing Tamatoa and Mr. Krab's attention. "I heard you're open for business," the creature added, moving towards the giant crab with a sack in his hand. "I could use some company." 

"Not interested," Tamatoa replied, raising his claw as if he were about to pound the monkey like creature into the ground. 

"But everyone says how you like giving monsters a good time...if there is something in it for you," the creature said, again, gesturing towards the pouch in its hand. "I'm lonely, you can bring your friend along too if you'd like." 

"I said, I'm not interested," Tamatoa growled, his claw coming down onto the creature, sand pluming into the air as the creature was crushed under the massive weight of the pincher, and with his other, Tamatoa grabbed the pouch and emptied it. Nothing but worthless shells. Did he really think he would do anything for so cheap? 

"Come on, man, the sooner I get you your treasure, the sooner you can leave me alone," Tamatoa said finally, working his way back to his cave. 

* * * * *

“So what was all that about?” Mr. Krabs asked once they both reached the cave.

"What was what about?" Tamatoa replied dryly, already irritated enough by the monkey creature who was trying to solicit him, the last thing he needed was more questions. 

“The monkey sayin' you like to give monsters a good time, matey,” Mr. Krabs replied.

Tamatoa ignored this purposely, gathering the sack that the monkey had left and piling coins into it before swinging his large body towards Mr. Krabs and dropping the bag at his feet. "Your treasure, now get lost," he said. 

“What are ya, a prostitute?” Mr. Krabs piped up.

"A what?" Tamatoa growled. 

“Is that how you got all this gold? They ain't scared of ya, they gave ya money cause ya gave them a good time...” Mr. Krabs said.

"I told you to leave, Krabs, I gave you what you wanted," Tamatoa said, starting to sound uncomfortable with where the conversation was heading. Was this...shame? Had Mr. Krabs hit a nerve? It's not like Tamatoa wanted to be a prostitute, he needed a way to survive this harsh world. And the rewards were greater than the act...right? 

“Ya don't have to be a prostitute, ya know, ya and I, we can make ya a resume and you can get a real job somewhere,” Mr. Krabs said.

“Male prostitution is my only option, Krabs. What better use of this glorious body than to sell it?” He replied. “I have all I can ever want, and the price is little, you wouldn't possibly understand. You are nowhere close to being as beautiful or as rich or as shiny as I am.”

"I'm sure ya have some other skills...what about typing?" 

"No, I don't, I can sing, I can dance, I can please, but I don't know how to type, these claws are much too big for any sort of keyboard." 

"Ya can always come and work for me at the Krusty Krab." 

"I'm not working for anybody, Krabs, especially not you. I can't stand you, I can't even imagine having to see you every day. Besides, I don't work for minimum wage." 

Tamatoa gave a deep sigh, holding up the mirror to once again gaze at his reflection. Maybe he was worthy enough to give up this way of life. He was better than this. He didn't have to be a man hoe or a male gigolo, no, maybe Tamatoa could get a job somewhere, a jewelry store would be most ideal because there was really nothing he wanted more in life than golden, shimmering, shiny objects that he could collect. 

But there was something he wanted even more than that. 

It took a few minutes for the large crab to finally speak. Mr. Krabs wasn't even sure he was awake. 

“Alright, you may have a point, man,” Tamatoa replied finally. “I am tired of giving these monsters my body, and they don't even appreciate it, really. They never even tip well...do you know how many creatures I've had to please to get all this?” The giant decapod questioned. 

“Probably a lot,” Mr. Krabs said.

“Yes, a lot,” Tamatoa hummed. “Maybe it's time for Tamatoa to turn a new leaf, you understand? It's time for me to show these monsters that they can't take advantage of me anymore...they will give me their gold whether they want to or not!” 

* * * * * 

Mr. Krabs still found himself in Lalotai. He still didn't know how he felt about Tamatoa. 

The large decapod had put his life as a prostitute behind him. He embraced his new identity with a renewed sense of self-confidence that he was too good for anyone. He was so beautiful and glorious that how could he even reduce himself to selling his glamorous bodies for a couple golden coins? It's not like they were ever grateful, what Tamatoa needed was to really be appreciated for who he was, with or without the gold. Preferably with. 

Tamatoa had gone from agitated and meek from being taken advantage of to being affluent and gregarious. While he still harbored grudges towards these monsters, he had decided to give them a real reason to fear him. 

Tamatoa would spend hours outside of his cave, what Mr. Krabs was assuming was terrorizing the local population. The gigantic crustacean didn't seem to hesitate from his homicidal tendencies, looting the bodies and their homes, destroying them without a second thought. He found all the hidden collections and added it to his own, his lair getting filled more and more with glittering golden treasures. The mirror was still his favorite possession, and every day he would look at his own reflection and muse at how handsome he was. His ego was constantly fueled, the more gold he acquired, the prettier he felt, but there was one item he needed. 

Now was Krabs' chance. While Tamatoa was out, he could take advantage of his absence to gather as much treasure as he could carry. Out in the wilderness, Krabs had managed to find a makeshift row boat, and he had taken bags and bags of shining gold trinkets and piled them inside. He then moved the boat away from immediate sight, to the side of Tamatoa's cave and behind a large boulder. He could escape now, but Mr. Krabs' greed got the better of him. When and only when was the boat completely and utterly filled would he make his escape. 

Meanwhile, while Tamatoa scoured the sandy floors of Lalotai he discovered what he was looking for, something truly special. It was half buried, only the handle was poking up visible enough for Tamatoa to investigate. He gripped it with his large claw, shaking the sand off of it to admire the soft glow that emanated from the carefully sculpted, ivory, fish hook. 

"Oh...look what we have here..." he said, eyes wide with wonder. "This must be Maui's fish hook, how lucky of me...the perfect addition to my collection," he added with a chuckle, taking the hook and placing it gently onto his gold encrusted shell. "Oh, Maui, how could you let such a precious thing get lost? How could you be so careless?" 

His mood was instantly lifted, his spirits soared as he scuttled towards his cave, humming a song to himself, but the moment he entered his lair, the fragile good mood was shattered like glass. It was noticeable to Tamatoa because the giant decapod took careful inventory of his belongings, and in this moment, Tamatoa knew. Mr. Krabs wasn't trying to help Tamatoa get out of his whoring ways because of the good of his heart, Mr. Krabs wanted to trick him into leaving so he could take all of Tama's gold for himself. 

That piece of garbage. 

With a growl and a roar, Tamatoa used his gigantic claws to brush away the gold, scattering them in all directions like a painful rain fall, looking for any signs of Mr. Krabs. He was still here, he could smell him. He smelled of old crab cakes, pickles, and the stale musk of coins and dollars, and sweat. It was rather unappetizing.

(Tamatoa tried to pride himself with the new fish cologne, Carp No. 5).

“I know you're there, Krabs,” Tamatoa seethed. “You think you can hide from me? Well that's just not so! When I find you, you little thief, I'm going to shuck you and eat you, not even gonna bother killing you first because I want you to feel the pain,” he said, hearing the metallic clinking of coins. 

“You thought you could play me like a fool, see, as if Tamatoa is some kind of fool...please!”

With his large pincher, Tamatoa hit the wall, hard enough that the ceiling lowered and blocked out all the light that was within. It darkened, extremely, and even the sparkling of the gold and jewels didn't help Mr. Krabs see a thing in front of him. His eyes were slowly adjusting, but he was startled by something radiating ahead of him, blue and purple. The colors seemed to be moving, vibrating, neon and extremely bright. With shock and horror, Mr. Krabs discovered that it was Tamatoa, glowing in the deep blackness of his cave. 

“Try to find your way out now, Krabs. I bet you can't, what, is it too dark for you?” Tamatoa asked with a chuckle, circling around, seeing a slight shadow moving behind a small pile of pearl necklaces, sapphires and sparkly shells. Tamatoa was fast, and it didn't take much for him to scoop up Krabs with a sweep of his segmented arm. Krabs was trapped between the rigid pinschers, no doubt facing his demise.

“Tomato, listen,” Krabs tried to reason, staring up at Tamatoa, with some difficulty choosing an eye to focus on, his vision jumping between the great crustaceans huge eye stalks. 

“Choose an eye, man, just choose an eye, I can't focus with you moving around like that,” the large crustacean ordered. “Now, now, I'm afraid it's too late, Krabs. I've had enough of your words. You're just a con man, robbing me of my treasure. Was that sack of gold coins not enough for you? Surely it is a year's worth of gold, much more than you make being the manager of a shitty fast food joint,” Tamatoa said with a laugh. “And yet, you weren't grateful, you are just like everybody else, exploiting me for my wealth! Well, perhaps before I would have let you go, but thanks to you, I have gained a new attitude towards life, nobody, and I mean nobody, messes with me,” he threatened, suddenly very serious, his large eyes narrowing on his prey. 

“Please, Tamatoa, I-”

“I ate my grandma, you know. And it took a week because she was absolutely humongous! I doubt you'll take that long though...shall we start?” He asked. 

With his other claw, Tamatoa took hold of one of Mr. Krabs' own pinchers, it didn't take much effort to yank the claw, and arm, right out of its socket, before he tossed it into his maw. 

The wound bled blue, as all crabs do, but it was hard to see due to the darkness of the surrounds. All Mr. Krabs could see was the pulsating lights and Tamatoa's mismatched pupils, the pain where his arm was throbbed almost at the same beat as the lights that lined Tamatoa's body. To Tamatoa's dismay, however, Mr. Krabs didn't scream, but that would be fixed momentarily. 

While Tamatoa enjoyed the hunt, the pain, and the suffering, he also found himself to be incredibly hungry, a soft rumble emitting from his stomach. He, like his stomach, was not the patient type. Torture required patience. Perhaps the feeling of his teeth crushing and ripping Mr. Krabs apart while he was still alive would offer enough agony.

With a small toss, Mr. Krabs found himself falling into the deep abyss, passed the jagged teeth that looked like rocks, and down, tumbling down, and down, and down...

So this was it. This is how Mr. Krabs was going to die. In a disgusting, rotten, stick filled digestive system of an overgrown coconut crab, only his legacy left behind. Who would take all his money, his own treasures? The thought of being robbed infuriated Mr. Krabs, even as he hurtled towards his death, and while his greed had led to his death, it also led to his survival.

Mr. Krabs still had his bag of treasure with him, which was a very heavy and full sack considering how much he was able to pile into it. He though, ingeniously, that he could use his own body and the large collection of treasure to block Tamatoa's throat, and cause him to choke, and hopefully, to spit him out. 

It was difficult while falling, but Mr. Krabs shifted to the side, holding the bag with his only claw out in front of him, and they found themselves wedged between the walls of Tama's moist and narrow throat. It surely didn't take long for him to react. The gigantic crustacean started to wheeze, then he started to gag, making some gross noises as he tried to cough up Mr. Krabs and his gold. 

In the event of Tamatoa's death, Mr. Krabs supposed he could just crawl out.

Finally, after seeming like ages, Mr. Krabs rocketed back up Tamatoa's throat and was spat out, covered in foul, fish smelling phlegm as Tamatoa took this moment to gather his breath. Mr. Krabs, however, used this moment to hurry towards the exit. 

The giant crustacean recovered quickly. 

“You think you're so clever! Go on and try to run from me!” He yelled, his voice hoarse and he ran after Mr. Krabs, all of his legs (except for his missing one), moving as fast as they could after him. He burst through the cave wall, rocks flying around Mr. Krabs as he scuttled towards a geyser at the edge of the cliff. 

He almost hesitated. He wanted to go back for his boat full of gold, he needed to go back for it. It hurt him to think of the possibility of leaving it behind, but even Mr. Krabs knew when enough was enough. 

He leapt onto the geyser as it shot up boiling water towards the surface, carrying him out of Lalotai for good. 

“Damn it,” Tamatoa growled, sighing deeply and cutting his losses before scuttling back to his cave, his luminescence making patterns on the wall, fading as the ceiling rose and once more, Tamatoa had access to the world above him. His skin returned to a normal purple and his back glittering gold instead of pale blue as circled his home, reaching behind him and gripping Maui's fish hook in his claw.

“But, I suppose, this makes up for all the trouble I have to go through. I'll be seeing you soon, old friend.”


End file.
